Party for Two: Grief and Me
Grief is a complex and complicated emotion, seamlessly intertwined with the sense of loss. These feelings can be uncomfortable and scary. But they can also be hopeful, joyful, and liberating. I like to think of grief as an unwelcome party guest.
I want you to imagine yourself throwing a party for all your friends. Think summer’s in Chicago - nice weather, good music, tasty food! You take the time to make sure to invite all your friends' and making sure to have everything that they will need.. Soon people begin to arrive. You have an amazing time welcoming guests into your space and catching up with old friends. The doorbell rings and you run to answer. As you open the door, you realize that your annoying, rude, and unkind friend is there unannounced. Grief has found its way to your doorstep.
You push the door shut, trying to not let them into your party. Your unwelcome guest keeps ringing the doorbell and pushes the door open. You become so distracted by keeping your unwelcome guest out of the party you aren’t able to listen to your favorite music and spend time connecting with your friends. You are left with a choice - continue the fight or surrender and welcome your unwelcome guest into the party.
The unwelcome guest enters. They are annoying - taking charge of the party. They want to change the music; they insult your food; they are unkind to others - telling your friend that her jokes are not funny, amongst other critiques. In an effort to help the other guests, you decide to spend some quality one on one time with your unwelcome guest. As you talk to one another you realize that your guest can be pleasant if met and accepted for who they are. They expressed gratitude for being at the party. They are polite - helping put more food out when it’s running low. You realize your friend is even kind - talking about their children. Grief is both annoying/pleasant, rude/polite, and unkind/kind. The process of grief is making your unwelcome guest, welcomed.
Open the door to your grief; embrace it - run towards it. I had the opportunity to run towards grief when I lost my dearest friend. Those feelings of sadness, anger and hurt crept in and still do. The “what ifs” and “whys” have not served me much, even if it feels comfortable at the time. Only when I was able to run towards my hurt I was able to build a compassionate loving relationship - honoring my grief. Honoring by going to their favorite coffee shop and buying a coffee for the person behind me in line - sometimes hoping that they will order a vanilla latte with almond milk and an extra shot of espresso.
By Acknowledging and noticing our thoughts while not engaging with them we can gain perspective on our pain and find the beauty and lessons it is here to give. Bring yourself to your present moment without judgment. Breathe. We can fight and push grief out the door but in doing so we can miss out on so many other beautiful things. This isn’t easy stuff! But this is life! Build yourself a community and find a provider that can support your journey in welcoming your old friend Grief into your house, knowing she will come, invited or not. Who knows the next time you throw a get together it might be a party for two: Grief and you.
