Good grief

Transformations are the key to our growth. We all find ourselves in places where we need to elevate ourselves, to dig deep to attempt something close to optimism to get through something shocking or painful. Nothing ever goes as planned.

You can have the job of your dreams, and suddenly lose it. Leading you to a life of hustle and begging for a job that is up to your personal worth, and suddenly living on the mercy of government aid. You could finally have worked hard enough to put a deposit down on a house, just to be out bid or have the sale fall through. You could finally attain the family or success you worked so hard to make and suddenly lose close relationships, or even your own identity casually sliding you into depression and guilt or poor habits. Or everything could be perfect, exactly as planned- and then suddenly someone in your life is gone.

Grief comes in so many shapes, sizes, moments: small, and large. Yet it is always defining. Western culture in my opnion just does grief so dirty. There are so many stipulations on how to act and how to be when in a moment of hardship and grief in our society. Don’t talk about it too much cos you bring everyone down. Or shouldn’t you be greatful for what you have, instead of focusing on what you have lost? Yet the best one is a combination of - Let me know how I can help/ I am here if you need anything.

The truth is anyone going through any form of grief has no earth, nowhere to stand. The last thing they need is to educate you on how to help them. And let’s all just be honest with one another- if we really wanted to help them, if we were really there for them, we would show up in the darkness, in the uncomfortable, and we would know, while we can help ( spreading the word about someone looking for a job, holding a baby, cleaning houses, making food, listening to the pain) we know- we can not fix this for this person. We just have to wait to see who they become through this time, and accept them. For all of who they are, and who they are not.

Grief is not something you go through. It is something that becomes you. You wear it like a scar, which if you a fortunate enough to process and accept it turns into a badge of honor. But this takes time. A long time. Something our culture is not into. We need everything to be fast, positive, and convenient. Grief is one of those things that we all will go through and is none of those things that our society demands.

Wellness culture today stands in a space of “love and light” and “manifestation” and “ you receive what you put out”. While I think there are moments in one’s life that all of these things are true I think these phrases are not the whole picture. We need to manifest our futures! But if we have not healed our past wounds that it is time to heal- we have no space to receive what we ask for. And of course our energy can be mirrors - But if you are going through a death ( death of self, career, or loved one etc…) Please show me how to be all rainbows all of the time. Which leads me to love and light. I can not disagree with a phrase more. I believe love - true love- for yourself or others is all encompassing. It rejoices in the light, and the levity, but it accepts and sees the darkness. Light literally cannot exist without darkness. To sit in your darkness. To be vulnerable enough to share it with trusted peers. To understand and hold what you have come from. That creates the light. That can create true lasting love. And i am talking about that ever allusive self love. The one that comes and goes. The one that leads others to accept us, and respect us. I think if we can accept our grief and the dark parts of life - it can lead us to a more fulfilled and powerful living experience. A full life.

In the past five years of my life I have experienced massive health issues, postpartum depression, death of my father, countless loss of familial and friendly relationships, and completely lost financial security. Yet, I have learned more about myself and my past than ever before in my life. The gratitude I have now for what I have in this life is unmatched. I have learned that to truly experience beauty, you do have to feel the pain. It is what being human is all about. Grief leads to gratitude. And that, that is how you experience a full life, gratitude.

Grief is a gift. It is scary, and something one is not meant to do alone, or on a time line. Be fearless. Share it. Own it. Do what you have to to learn all the versions of yourself it triggers, and accept it. Accept that you are human. You have pain, and triggers. And knowing them leads to boundaries, and joy. Accept the gift grief has to give. Ask for help. Find support, if not in your community, find provider to help you process the physical, mental, and emotional shifts you are holding, shedding, and living with. And know that everyone has felt or will feel this in some shape, some form, at some time. But only few in our culture are brave enough, resilient enough, to honor their pain. To hold it, and care for it, to slowly learn what it has to teach us. We are all the same, and all beautifully unique! Humans are nuts!

So, take a breath, you are not alone. This, even this- is good. This is special and sacred.